Flashback: Mr. Nudey

Ohhhhhhh ho ho ho...what do we have here. Upon scouring my computer I found this oldy but goody. Gone are those carefree college days. But the memories will live on forever. Nay, they are burned into my memory, despite my best attempts to rid my mind of images of Mr. Nudey. This is a series of posts from the summer of 2001 when I took an art class. Enjoy.......

YIKES!!! I am enrolled in summer session at the university so I can finish my degree faster. I am majoring in Animal Science so my typical classes are things like Biochemistry, Swine Nutrition. Ruminant Management, etc. Well, I need some 'filler' classes and you are free to choose anything you like. So this summer I am taking a Classical Greek Myth class, a Statistics class, a Philosophy class (I've taken 3 already and really enjoy them) and a Biology class about ecosystems (aka going on field trips to lakes=summer fun while getting credit). Anyway, the class that is most challenging, new and exciting is Foundation in Painting. I have NO experience and wanted to give it a shot.Well the class is for 3 hours everyday of the week for 7 weeks. The instructor is pleased/surprised I am in the class because everyone else is a Fine Arts major (aside from me and a Math guy). This also means that everyone else has WAY more experience than me!So today was our third day. The first two days we tried drawing 'contour lines' with charcoal. We drew skulls of animals and our hands. Seemed to be difficult but still lots of fun. Then today (I will repeat...the THIRD day only!) they bring out the NUDE MODEL!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! Everyone else was acting like this was a regular walk in the park and me and Math Guy were nervously darting our eyes around the room to figure out what to do. I was wondering...is there going to be a drumroll? Will everyone clap when the nude person comes in? Sorry folks but I am not well versed in the etiquette of painting nude people. While I was fidgeting with my paper and paints all of a sudden...TA DA...there was the nude person...no warning or anything. YIKES!!! No robe, no word of warning, he was just there in all his glory. The professor said, "Everyone, this is Tom". I then said (rather loudly and awkwardly) "Hi Tom!". Nobody else made a peep. Mental note: don't talk to Mr. Nudey.At first I was relieved because we have these huge easels that I could hide from Mr. Nudey. Then the professor made us all gather in close and turn our easels. I was then fully in view of Mr. Nudey while staring intently and trying (gingerly) to depict him in a masculine/non-insulting way (read: I have trouble with proportion and did not want to insult and/or overly flatter strange nude man). Man oh man, talk about difficult. Everyone set to work immediately setting down beautiful masterpieces on their paper while I attempted to paint him without actually looking at him. A difficult task indeed. The professor said that we could pick one part to focus on and make it really large and fill the paper. So I focused on the safe stuff - feet, elbows, hairline, ears. The whole time Mr. Nudey was frowning and serious. I whispered to Math Guy "I never learned how to do this on Mr. Dressup" - that was my main Art teacher growing up, "I want my smelly markers back, this is hard!" At that Mr. Nudey burst out laughing. Note to nude people: laughing does not look good when you are not clothed. ha ha! And what's with all the sprawling and posing?? I'd prefer if they'd stand stiffly upright with hands and legs firmly clamped to the sides.Then we had to draw 'the works' - the whole body on one sheet of paper. I'm not sure how I got through it, but me and Math Guy survived. After my class I went to my husband's laboratory to show him my work. I told him all about the class. Then I showed him my picture of Mr. Nudey's whole body. He burst out laughing - apparently he found it very hilarious that I could go to a nude Art class and still manage to draw a whole body minus the nether-regions and nipples. LMAO Oh well, maybe it'll be easier next time! Thank GOODNESS for Math guy - his painting looked like a deformed Teletubby. At least I am not alone!Tomorrow we meet Mrs. Nudey.Anyone else taken a nude art class?Tamara

Oh man, I feel like such a bumbling idiot in the class. Everyone is so composed and I am trying my hardest not to snicker like I'm in grade school. Ugh. Honestly - one pose he had a waist-high stool (that you would sit on to paint or whatever) and he bent over and put his elbows on the stool. And I had to paint the 'rear-view' and concentrate on the perfect shape of the, er, crack. I was waiting for a camera crew to jump out and tell me I was on some spoof show because it was too weird to be real!I'm a little worried about Mrs. Nudey. Her name is "Una" and from some of the painting of nude women in the studio I'd have to say Mrs. Nudey might be a piece o' work. Yikes! Tam

Class #4 - Mrs. Semi-Nudey
Well folks, class #4 went A LOT smoother than yesterday. At the beginning of the class the professor brought in a third platform to add to the two platforms that Tom had been sprawled on. I was worried. What kind of woman is Mrs. Nudey if she needs THREE platforms when Mr. Nudey only needed two?? I broke out in a cold sweat.Then they brought out Mrs. Nudey. I bit my tongue and did not guffaw out any brash "HEY THERE" greetings. Note to self: way to go on being very suave today in class.Probably the reason the class went so smoothly was because Mrs. Nudey was actually wearing a bathing suit, not her birthday suit. When she pranced in the room I let out a huge, audible sigh of relief akin to air being let out of a tire. Everyone looked at me. I smiled meekly...heh heh heh, sorry classmates. She wasn't as scary as I had anticipated, and she wasn't as old as Mr. Nudey (who was my Dad's age - THE HORROR).The professor then led the class in warm up stretches - bending here, stretching there and jumping jacks. Note to Mrs. Semi-Nudey - people in bathing suits, although they are not nude, should not partake in stretches and jumping around.We then settled in to 3 hours of scribbling Mrs. Semi-Nudey. It was going pretty good because when people are wearing bathing suits it is ok (nay, it is EXPECTED) that you leave out the nipples and the nether-regions and bum cracks. Luckily that is my specialty.At the start of the class Math Guy whispered to me "Why did Tom have to be naked and Una isn't?" I could sense the injustice of it all. But wait a minute...I'm a girl and I still didn't enjoy seeing Tom in all his glory. Why was it necessary for him to be there in the buff? I'm not too sure. I think Math Guy was disappointed. I was a little miffed though because during the coffee break Math Guy abandoned me (and what I consider my stimulating and ingenious conversation, heh heh) and went to sit/swoon with Mrs. Semi-Nudey. Sheesh. I guess when a man is required to study a woman's scantily clad body for 3 hours it is understandable that Math Guy was suddenly smitten.We did fun exercises where we would start to draw for 5 minutes, then we would switch and work on another person's drawing for a while, and keep switching. I like that because then the artistic people draw on my paper, but I get to take it home to my husband and impress him with my 'excellent artwork'. heh heh heh Math Guy appeared to have been suffering from some type of artistic breakdown. He rebelled by wielding a red pastel only and drawing fierce red squiggles on everyone else's Mrs. Semi-Nudey when we were doing the 'switching exercise". I told him it looked like intestines and he smiled and seemed to be pleased. Note to self: Don't make eye contact with Math Guy - I think the Gaelic music the professor blares out over the loud speakers has sent him over the edge.I spent the rest of the afternoon staring intently at Mrs. Semi-Nudey, enjoying the class a lot more because there were no awkward 'bulges' to worry about 'accidentally' staring at as was the case with Mr. Nudey. The only bad part was that Mrs. Semi-Nudey was BIG on the eye contact. Mr. Nudey (be it for shame or perhaps his manly pride) was very careful to stare at the wall above our heads. But Mrs. Semi-Nudey liked to lock eyes with you every once in a while when you were in the middle of studying her bosom or some other awkward moment. At that second when our eyes met I would jump a little jolting my paint brush or charcoal across my painting while emitting a high pitched sound similiar to the mating call of a deermouse. This resulted in some of my pictures where Mrs. Semi-Nudey has what appears to be a debonaire moustache or beard. I am starting to notice a trend in my portfolio - there are numerous pictures of nipple-less, genital-less bearded people...hmm, a new breed of people perhaps?? Hopefully my professor sees the ingenius creativity in all of that and gives me top marks. That is, if I am not kicked out of the class for consistently emitting odd noises that tend to disturb the other students.So I'd have to say that my 4th day of art was a lot better than the 3rd day. Although Una aka Mrs. Semi-Nude still sprawled a lot (and remember - swimming suits lodge themselves in unusual places during sprawling) it was still a lot better. I would prefer to study Mrs. Semi-Nudey's wedgie lines ANY DAY versus staring intently at the wall behind Mr. Nudey while trying to depict his manliness in a proportional way.Thanks for tuning in...join us next time when we spend 3 hours painting cardboard boxes in a pile. I'm sure it will be rivetting.Tamara
Today...BIG sigh of relief. No nude or semi-nude people in sight. Ahhh, such a nice break from the tedious staring at nekked people's bodies. Today we focused on drawing boxes. Equally tedious but none of the funny bulges that people have that tend to make artists, like myself, snicker.Last night's homework included drawing several 'larger than life' images of our hands. The professor wanted the lines to look 'organic', whatever that means. Today I realize that organic is synonymous for borderline crap, yet still artistic enough that everyone thinks it is brilliant. This is where I succeeded. Apparently an organic line is sort of squiggly, so the edge of the hand looks jagged. I got top marks for this exercise as I was shaking like someone going through substance abuse withdrawal when I was attempting to draw my hand. "BRILLIANT! REALLY GOOD" the professor cooed. I beamed importantly as if I meant for it all to happen that way.One of the consequences of drawing while intently staring at my hand rather than the paper is that the fingers looked mishapen and out of proportion. A few look like ET fingers but the one that really caught my eye is an index finger that looks, well, er, like a giant wrinkled phallus. I was worried that the professor would think I am secretly a sicko or something. But alas! Art people LOVE everything about Nudies (or so I am convinced at this point in the course). I think the professor really enjoyed the phallus-like drawing I accidentally, er, I mean intentionally did with lots of forethought.I think he also really like the subtle smudging in the corners where the dogs were gathered around the coffee table (my at-home version of an easel). The dogs were pressing in trying to see what Mum was staring at so hard. The overall effect of smudged dog-head prints was faaaaaabulous.Math Guy is really starting to irritate me. The art supplies are really expensive and he claims it is a waste of money. So he keeps borrowing my stuff and 'forgetting' to return it. Yeah, like I have enough cashola to buy supplies for both myself AND Math Guy who would definitely use up all of the red drawing those squiggly (or should I say "organic") intestines on everything. This morning we were taking notes (note to self: to be good at art apparently one must be poor at spelling if professor is any indication of artistic success. Also: make all writing look like baby birds pecked the words with their newly hatched beaks). Math Guy says that he won't bother writing it down, he'll just get my notes when he needs them. At his point I bellowed out "Do I LOOK like your Mommy?" Remember, class is quitely taking notes. Everyone appears startled and slightly miffed as I disturbed their concentration while drawing boxes. Math Guy looks peeved. Meanwhile I am trying to erase image of myself gently rocking Math Guy to sleep whilst he wears a bonnet and footed-pajamas. Hopefully he gets the hint that I want nothing to do with him or his red squiggly intestines.It sounds like next week we will be having another nude model to do a colour study with. I am already having terrible visions of trying to mix the correct shade of flesh tones and in some 'regions' *gulp* purple (gasp). Wish me luck...this could be one delicate subject. Tam

Weeeellllll, there was a handsome 20-ish young man in the studio yesterday talking to the professor about being a nude model for an upcoming class. The little voice in my head said "YES, PLEASE!" (note to self: do not admit to others you have voices in your head).But this may not be a good idea...I would be sooooo bright red if handsome Mr. Nudey appeared. Egads. Not sure which is worse - attempting to paint 'nasty old' Mr. Nudey or 'tall, dark handsome young' Mr. Nudey. I guess the good thing about Old Mr. Nudey is that I am accustomed to him and his, ahem, "wares" shall we say.After my art classes I go to my husband's lab (he is a Biology grad student) and lay my pictures out on the benches to show him. His supervising professor's name is Art. Yesterday he told me that I left a large picture of Mr. Nudey on the bench. When my husband's professor came in he asked "What is that?" My husband said that he replied "Why that is Tamara's Art". My husband said that Art took it to mean that I was drawing a nude picture of HIM! THE HORROR!!!! I almost burst into tears at the thought of the skinny, coke-bottle glasses professor thinking I was drawing nude pictures of him! That's when my husband burst out laughing and said it was all a joke. Grrrrrrr.Oh yes, but what REALLY did happen is that I was showing him the picture where we took turns drawing on eachother's pictures with pastels (that is where Math Guy went crazy with the red squiggles). They are quite messy with chalky pastels. After I finished showing him I said "Do I have pastels anywhere on my face?" And he said "Yup, all over." I swatted him and laughed because he's always teasing me like that. Then we packed up and headed for home. We had to walk across campus, encountering probably 100 people (including aforementioned Art and my favourite/good buddy janitor). I was smiling and talking to everybody. Then we get in the car and I looked in the mirror. Sure enough, I had orange and green pastels ALL OVER MY FOREHEAD, NOSE AND CHEEKS! I was so embarrassed. I was so mad at my husband. "YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!!!!!" I said. But I guess he did. It seems I just can't win. Tamara

You know, what I think would be great? If a whole bunch of strip club regulars came to art class their hooting and hollering would really drown out my stupid comments and loud, inappropriate and poorly timed bellowing of "Hi Tom!" Sounds like a great idea to me. And perhaps the watered down drinks bit would be a good idea too...then atleast I'd have an excuse for all of my crooked 'organic' lines.Tam
Hello folks! I am sorry it has been so long without an update. Life is like that sometimes. Ahhh, where to begin??Well, since Mrs. Semi-Nudey there has been nothing but cardboard boxes, wrinkled up nard-like fruits and vases of flowers galore. I am still wondering WHY in the world did we have to have a Mr. Nudey on the 3rd day yet nothing since? Perhaps the *1st* Nudey experience is like your artistic baptism. The proffessor perhaps realized that we couldn't "really" be artists until we had encountered a Nudey. Hence he took it upon himself to unleash Tom in the first week so that we could get on with the more technical aspects of painting and allow our creative juices to flow uninhibited.Our term project was due last week. The title of the project was "A Small World". The instructions were to create a small world on a piece of cardboard and paint all the objects white. We were then to paint a picture of the small world but to enlarge it so it seems we are actually inside of this tiny model world we have created. I was SO excited because it sounded like so much fun. I set to work on it right away.First, I went to the dollar store and bought a variety of farm animals and a small doll. I then painted all these little creatures white and hot glued them onto the cardboard. I got creative and decided to build a 'tower' out of an large empty yogurt tub. It looked great but was missing something. I added a ring of forks around the tower so the tines were like a railing. It was really taking shape! The last thing to add was the baby doll. Unfortunately the baby doll was wearing a dress and had long curly hair. I had to paint the doll white for the assignment so I decided it would be easiest to remove the dress and cut off all the hair. The end result was rather frightening as anyone who has cut a doll's hair can attest too. The poor baby was now not only naked but also had a circular mohawk hairdo. I ended up hotgluing the baby to the top of the tower with a skewer glued in its hand like a royal scepter. My small world was complete and it looked TERRIFIC! I giggled to myself while putting it together because it was so funny and cute.I painted away at home enjoying the absence of Math Guy and the Gaelic music. At one point I stood up with my 'easel' (aka a large scrap of cardboard). I was caught off balance and dropped my wet painting on poor Luke! The good ole' white boxer boy took the black 'racing stripes' quite well. I think the dog hair texture really added a lot of 'body' to my painting as well.I completed my painting and took it to class for our group "critique". This is basically where we would get up one at a time and display our work while talking about it in fluffy, creative words. I put my painting up on the wall and everyone started to snicker. I couldn't understand why. I said "What's so funny?" The professor (who was also giggling at this point) said "I wonder!" Well yes, I did wonder. "You painted a picture of a naked baby on a tower surrounded by forks with a big giant goose looking up at him!" Everyone was laughing so hard by this point. It was a real hit. Everyone LOVED this weird little piece of work. I didn't really understand what all the fuss was about until everyone else had displayed their pictures. I was the only one who made a "small world" for the Small World Project. Everyone else had just piled a bunch of random items together...bottles, boxes, cans, cones. It seems odd to me that no one else would have interpreted it the same as I.Later that week we had our "porfolio" interviews. Each of us would meet with our professor and go over all of our work from the term to determine our midterm mark. The professor laughed his bum off at my Mr. Nudey's because in the dozen or so pictures I had done I managed to avoid nether-regions and nipples in every single one! But he said I have real potential and that my portfolio was really good. I was surprised because my work is a lot more 'organic' looking and more basic than everyone elses.We got our midterm marks back last week and surprising I am above the class average! I even beat some of the REAL artists in the class! I can't believe it but I am glad he recognizes my effort and attempt at being creative! Tam

My Art Class Comrades:
MARIO (Affectionately known as "Math Guy"):Math Guy is a new breed of arrogance. My goodness. This guy is a genius but his superhuman intelligance comes with a price. And that price is called social skills. He is currently taking Chemistry AND Math degrees simultaneously. He has little regard for any of the other students in our class because they are all in "Arts" as he likes to sneer with an air of superiority. I am spared because I am the lowly Agriculture student and I am A-OK in Math Guy's books because I have taken both Chemistry AND Math myself.Math Guy's paintings leave something to be desired because unless there is a formula involved, he can't do it. His "small world" consisted of a piece of paper painted gray with black smudges in three places. He proceeded to rave about how terrific and three dimensional his painting was. The class was polite and supportive and encouraged him along. Then the rest of the students displayed their work. Math Guy gave a 3 minute speech for each painting explaining why he felt each and every one of their paintings was inferior and incorrect. I felt the other students paintings ought to be on display in a gallery but Math Guy thought they were all crap. Apparently Math Guy is all for the "no-hold's barred" critique session. A lot of the other students have taken it upon themselves to embrace this form of critique for the next session. Yikes, I hope Math Guy wears protective head gear.I could go on about this weird, rotund little man all day but I'm sure you are all bored by now.Take care and don't pose bare! Tamara

The thrilling conclusion...(sorry it has taken so long!)Our professor assigned a large final project consisting of several paintings. There were several choices of topics. One of the choices was called a vanatess or somethingeruther. It consists of a photograph surrounded by objects that are significant to that person. It also shows the 'fleeting nature of life' through rotten fruit, clocks, skulls and other equally morbid symbols. Well, the most interesting 'person' I know was my horse Magnum. I gathered a bunch of items such as a bridle, whip, leg bandages, brushes, riding boot, etc and arranged them around a photograph of Magnum. I put hours and hours into this project. It was really starting to take shape.A few days prior to the due date I contracted a wretched illness that appeared to be a hybrid of Mad Cow Disease, SARS and West Nile. I was one sick puppy. As a result my paintings perhaps didn't get as much attention as I would have liked. They were fairly good though, and I had faith my professor would take pity on my pathetic little self.I dragged my body to the final portfolio interview with all of my paintings from the entire year in hand. I began spreading them out for display when the professor caught sight of my ghostly pale sickly self and told me to sit down and relax. He would worry about laying the paintings out and critiquing them. I sat back and watched.He gently removed each painting from my folder and arranged them on the wall. Finally he came down to the last painting...my final project. This was the one I had poured hours and hours of sickly effort into. He turned it one way, then the other. Finally he hung it on the wall...UPSIDE DOWN! He stepped back and surveyed the pictures.Now, you have to realize this was one of those moments in my life where I thought, heck, why bother correcting him? I'll just sit back and see what happens. It was one of those moments where you feel like a spectator looking in on your life. And yes, what a life I lead sometimes. I was sure he would realize his mistake as soon as he noticed Magnum floating upside down on the painting. Nope. I decided I wouldn't correct him...this was too odd to be true. He hummed and hawed and gave me an 80%. Oh well, it was a great mark even if the painting was upside down. He thanked me for taking his class, invited me to enroll in the second set of classes and then offered to drive me to the emergency room.Ahhhh, what a glorious ending.